August 19, 2008

It's been 6 weeks.

What have a learned in 6 weeks?

I’ve learned that the pain doesn’t just go away. I think about my baby everyday and wonder what Baby J is doing at this moment. Is Jesus holding my little one for me, is He reassuring Baby J that mommy, daddy and sissy will be there soon to take over? I am constantly questioning what happened, was it because I cleaned the bathtub, was all the coke I drank, was it because I missed a couple days of my prenatal vitamins? What was it? My Dr. said that it was probably just a chromosome defect, but that still doesn’t bring me peace. I do know that God will not give me more than I can handle and I feel like I have done pretty well, but would this baby have been too much for me to handle? I guess I will find out in Heaven, even though Baby J will be perfect…it will be the greatest meeting that I will ever have. I can’t wait.

I’ve learned that losing a baby is expensive, I keep getting bills for the surgery and it makes me mad. I know that I have to pay the Dr.’s but why is it so expensive, I didn’t even get to take anything home. I get angry about the bills being so expensive, but then God quickly shows me that I am very blessed to be able to even pay these bills.

I’ve learned that trying to get pregnant again scares me. I want to have more kids, I really do but my head won’t let go of the what ifs. My heart is longing for it, but right now my mind is the powerful one. What if I do get pregnant again, do we tell people or do we wait till it’s here to let the word out? I telling you that if my mouth didn’t tell you my belly would, the minute I get pregnant my belly expands like no other.

I’ve learned that I am NO closer to God than I was the day before I lost the baby. Why? I have no idea. That is one of the biggest things that upset me. I would have thought such a tragedy as this was to me it would have brought me to my knees every night. I am ashamed to admit that I have not been on my knees every night. Please pray for me.

I’ve learned that other people forget fast, but I will NEVER forget.

I’ve learned to play with my precious B, when there is laundry to be done.

I’ve learned that my husband doesn’t understand what my hormones are doing to me, but he tries really hard. God love him J

I’ve learned that there are so many people out there that have gone through what I did, and they too need love and support.

I’ve learned that I need guidance in what God is doing in my life and what He wants me to be doing with my life. Am I suppose to be the baby making machine I want to be, or am I suppose to be my B’s biggest fan. I am already B’s biggest fan, but is there room to root for more?

Thanks for reading.

5 comments:

megan k said...

We haven't forgotten...
xoXO

brandiandboys said...

i'm not going to say anything that will take away the pain of losing your precious baby. but i also lost a baby between my first two boys. it was a more difficult journey than i could have ever imagined. i still think about that baby each year on the due date and also wonder whose holding my baby in heaven. so just to say, i've also walked that path and because i know how painful it can be i'm praying for you!

Jess said...

Jess,

I know that nothing is the right thing said but I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you.

You are an amazing mother to Ms. B...nothing that you did caused this.

Something that really struck me this weekend at church was that God doesnt withhold, He protects. Even when we question the hardest parts of life, He has a greater plan that we can imagine. And because our imagination doesnt stretch that far it can be so hard to deal with the tragedies.

I love you very much and I am praying for you.
Always
Jesi

Nicole Knox said...

Hey girl, I have watched you with your sweet girl and you are a wonderful mom.

I love what you wrote that when there is laundry to do you have leanred to play with her!

Ali Ruhman said...

When the timing is right, it will happen. Try not to worry about what ifs even though it's hard not to. We are here for you anytime and always praying for you. We love you!!