July 10, 2008

The Worst Days of My LIFE!

I have truly been blessed with my life. I have the greatest parents, my mom being one of my bestest friends ever. I have the biggest family, that makes ME feel like I am the greatest person alive. I have the most incredible, supportive, wonderful, loving, HOTTEST husband in the WORLD (sorry ladies, you know its true though) (remember this is MY blog so I can SAY whatever I want to :)) and that brings me to my beautiful daughter Briley, she is absolutely the funniest person I know...sorry Casey but you know she has you beat.

All that being said God put me through some of the worst days of my life this week. If you don't want to read the DETAILS then I suggest you log off now. I am sure most of you are strong and can handle this and actually want to go through this ordeal with me, b/c you love me and I know that!

It all started Monday, all day I just didn't feel right kinda like I was in a funk not really happy and nothing really made me laugh. God was preparing me. After work I went home and started dinner and waited on Casey and B to get home. We went on a walk after dinner and I was really struggling with the walk a lot of side cramps and really just couldn't keep up with Casey and B. I pressed on just thinking that it was me being out of shape. Once we got home I was so sweaty I stripped done and laid on the floor in front of our fan. I started to feel a little bit better so I got up and helped get B ready for bed. Once she was in bed I needed to pee, I wiped and that's when I saw blood. I had a moment of "What the crap" mixed with "Oh, hell no" (sorry for the cursing...that might be as bad as it gets, I'll have to ask Casey if there was more :)) I called Casey into the bathroom so he could take a look and he told me I needed to call the Dr. Well if you know me, I can be pretty emotional when trying to tell someone somethings wrong with me. I have always been that way and probably always will be. So, I made Casey call for me, he had to leave a message and the Dr. ended up calling me anyway. The lesson is just do it your self who cares if they can 't understand a word you are saying. I digress!

Dr. Goff told me I HAD to come in on Tuesday to get a Rhogam shot (I am Rh Negative) and to have an ultrasound done to check on the baby. I went to work on Tuesday and then went to the Dr to get the news. First his nurse said that she could hear something on the Doppler that was at 143 beats....I assured her that is was not my heart. That made me feel really good then she took me to the US and said that she could see the heart beating but she couldn't figure out how to let us hear it. Another nurse came in to help her and she asked how far along I was and I said 11 weeks. She proceeded to tell me that the baby was not 11 weeks that it looked more like 8-9 weeks, I looked at her and said "No, I am 11 weeks at my first apt I was 8 weeks" needless to say I was not happy with her. Finally the nurse called Dr. Goff and he said that he wanted me to wait there till he could get out of his surgery and come check me out. He had to do a trans vaginal US so he could see the baby and once he saw the baby all I remember him saying is "No, I am sorry I don't see the heart beating" "I am so sorry we lost this one at 9 weeks" Stupid nurse was right! At that point I started to bawl I didn't want to see anymore or hear anymore. How could it had died at 9 weeks, that was just a week after my first US and everything was fine. You mean to tell me that I carried around a DEAD baby for 2 weeks and didn't know it? Casey said that it might not have died at nine weeks it just stopped growing at that point. I still really don't understand it, my clothes were getting smaller and I was feeling great, but knew what was best.

I didn't go back to work that day, we went and picked up B and took her home all the while I still could not control my crying. Briley kept asking "why you so sad momma?" and that made me even more sad b/c what was I supposed to tell her. She was so excited to have a baby "sister" (that's what she thought she was getting) and she knew it was coming after her birthday in January. She asked me everyday "You take my baby sister out in January's after my birthday right?" Poor thing, she'll never understand and I pray that she doesn't remember this.

Once I put B down for a nap I decided I would lay down to, I couldn't sleep I just kept crying. Finally I had enough and did the one thing I should have done earlier.....I prayed! What a great idea, well believe me it was not easy to do, I was very ANGRY with God. I did it anyway, I told him he broke my heart, he scared me for LIFE, and asked him why ME! Why is it that there are so many women out there having babies that they don't even want and the ones that can give the babies the best home and life in the world lose theirs. I still can't wrap my mind/heart around that, it just kills me that there are people out there like that. I then apologized to God and thanked him for letting me yell at him. I asked him for peace b/c with out that I wouldn't be able to go on. I still cry when I think about all the things that we were getting ready for this wonderful bundle of joy. I am also now disgusted with myself for even for a moment thinking that I only wanted a girl, how horrible of a person am I. I guarantee you that if we are blessed with more kids I will take a million boys if that is what God blesses us with. I will NEVER again be so RUDE about what I WANT, I will take whatever God GIVES me!

To wrap up Tuesday, my mom came over after work and I didn't' cry again. God had answered my prayers! Thanks God! My mom took me to Wal-Mart to get my Rx's filled and to take my mind off of what I was going through. The Dr. had set up my D&C for Friday and I needed to start taking the Rx's Thursday. Our wonderful life group friends set up dates to bring us dinners for the week. This is really hard for me to accept. I am the giver and this giver has a hard time receiving, but they didn't give me the option. I love them for that. Ali, Erryn, Nichole, and Kacie thank you so much for what you are doing for us, we are truly blessed to life with you all, Love you girls. I will continue in another post! Thanks for reading!


Ali Ruhman said...

Jessica, my heart breaks for you as I read this. I don't know what you are feeling but I do know that everything happens for a reason and we are blessed to have this understanding, because without it we would have no hope. I am here for you at ANYTIME for ANYTHING. Please let us bless you and don't feel bad for letting us! We love you guys!

nicole said...

Jess and Casey...you both are in our prayers. My heart too breaks for you and hope that through this you will find unmeasurable peace, love, and understanding. God knows what he's doing...even though sometimes we don't. I'm sure Pastor Craig's message (Pursuit of Happyness) has a whole new meaning for you all now. We love you and and are praying for you.
the housley's

Amy said...

Jessica-You have know Idaea who I am, but my friend email me this. I had a miscarriage on Sept. 15 2008 & D&C. I was 12 weeks, it is the hardest thing to go threw because we wanted another baby soooo bad!! We have one special little 3 year old girl, and she could not figure out why are baby has to live with Jesus. It is hard to explain to a 3 year old. Your story is alot like mine, I have been very mad, but there is a time for everything and we dont understand why? I am STILL NOT pregnant!!!That is my story, keep trying, because there are other people just like you out there. We ask us the same question, we could have given another baby a great home? Why are there so many 14 year old pregnant? Lots of question we dont understand. Anyways I like your story.