July 10, 2008

The worst days of my life cont.

A couple of things....First of all, I didn't intend this blog to make people cry, so I apologize if I even for a minute made you sad, but thanks to those who did. I know it's just b/c you all are just as emotional as I am oh and I guess b/c you love me :) Secondly, please FORGIVE me for all the missed words in that last post, it's been a rough week so please fill in the blanks with whatever words you want to.

Wednesday 7/9/08 will be a date that I NEVER want to forget for the rest of my life. Have you ever had those moments when the most profound thing happens and you just want to remember it forever. If you haven't I pray that you do whether it's good or bad, God has a reason for it. I may not know for a long time why God put me through this, but I am thankful that he made Casey and I hit rock bottom. He needed our attention!

I woke up Wednesday ready to go to work and to just be. In my office I don't get a lot of traffic so it was going to be nice to research how to prepare for my D&C. God had a better plan. After my shower (this is where it gets gross) I was getting dressed and needed to go and put a pad on so I didn't get things messy. The second I sat down my "water broke" that's what I call it b/c I don't really know what it was, but that's what it felt like. I thought to myself "Are you freaking kidding me?" It was 6:30am and I needed to get Casey up in 10 minutes I didn't know if I could get up, it just kept flowing. Finally I had to get up, I put a pad on and went to the bedroom and told Casey what happened and that he needed to get in the shower. He told me to call the Dr., and I of course said NO, I can do this at home. I felt ok but was having some cramps nothing worse than menstrual cramps so no big deal right? Casey was in the shower and I apologized to him but I needed to use the bathroom. I had pretty much soaked my pad after only 5 minutes. I stayed on the toilet for 3 hours. The whole time I was passing huge amounts of tissue I kept looking at it just to see if I could see something, but it was all just gunk. At one point I was so tired of sitting on the pot that I laid down a towel on the bathroom floor and just bled everywhere. I couldn't handle sitting anymore, not that laying down was doing me any good either. I called Casey and told him what I was doing and he just felt horrible that I had to lay on the bathroom floor. Finally I sat back up on the floor and decided I was sorta bored so of course I tried to organize the cabinet under the sink. I got rid of a bunch crap that we didn't need, that we were just holding onto for the just in case moments that probably would never come. So at least I was proactive right?

I had 2 wash clothes that I had to keep wiping the toilet with b/c it was so bloody. WARNING: gross part coming! At one point I looked at my right hand and I had blood underneath every single one of my finger nails. I know, I warned you it was gross. At about the 3 hour mark I had enough sitting again so I emptied the toys out of the tub and stood up to get in. I never should have stood up. The moment I did I got really light headed, dizzy, and I started to see the lights in my head flash on and off. So as quickly as I could I got into the tub and sat down. I tried to put my head between my legs, uh ya that was not happening but I got as close as I could and started praying that I would not pass out. I was so afraid I would hurt myself falling or something else. I needed Casey, but my phone was on the sink and I just didn't know if I could get to it. I leaned over the tub and just about passed out again. Finally I got it and called him and all I said was that I need him to come home now. I was so weak and thirsty but I couldn't move.

I made myself a hot bath and that felt wonderful, I didn't want to get out. Casey called my Dr. when he got home and told him what was going on and they told him to get me to Labor & Delivery ASAP! I had lost so much blood I could barely walk and my muscles were throbbing b/c they were looking for O2! We get to Mercy and Casey takes me to L&D and they tell me they can't take me b/c I am only 11 weeks. Anything under 20 weeks has to go the ER. The ER was so not the place I wanted to be. I don't like hospitals to begin with and to be with other sick people is just not for me.

We get to the ER and waited for about an hour before being seen. I was doing ok no pain just nervous about what they were going to do. At one point I realized that I hadn't brushed my teeth yet, I was so scared that someone was going to smell my breath and faint. They didn't. The nurse came in and said that she was going to order a blood test, I proceeded to say "Good luck finding any in there, you may check my bathroom though" She also ordered an US and pelvic exam. Another nurse came in to take my blood, she had a hard time finding my vein she said they were very thin, which is so not normal for me I usually pop right up. She said she would try anyway, that scared me b/c I thought what if she misses and has to do it again. Well she found it and it was not dry, blood squirted out everywhere. I had plenty of blood to give her so that was a good sign. After a lot of waiting they finally took me to do the US, I really wanted to do this so I could see if had passed everything by myself or not. It didn't hurt to bad, they had to do another trans vaginal, but since my cervix was open anyway it didn't hurt. The tech lady was super nice and so sweet. She saw a little bit of tissue still in there and said that I would still need a D&C if I didn't pass it that day.

Next came the pelvic exam! I wasn't in the beginning to nervous about it but once it got there, let me just tell you my lungs still work! That was absolutely the WORST pain I have ever been in. It hurt so bad that I was sobbing and shaking. It didn't last but 5 minutes but it was traumatic enough that it made me tell Casey I never wanted to have kids again. I later told him that in a few months I am sure I will change my mind. During the whole process Casey was right by my side holding my hand, and I am sure he was praying. I don't know if God could hear him over my screaming at one point I remember shouting "God Bless America" where the heck did that come from?, you would have thought they were popping a broken leg back in place. I was so shaken by this that I cried for a good 20 minutes, it scared me that bad. The nurse came back in to tell me that she talked to Dr. Goff and that he wanted to do the D&C that day, he told her I couldn't wait till Friday it might be to late. The whole time I was crying and I think for a moment she was too, she just knew how much pain and heart break I had been through that she felt it too. Poor thing I didn't mean to make her feel that way at all. She was super! They hooked me up to some fluids b/c she said I was SUPER low. The fluid was so cold that it had me shivering for an hour or so.

Casey was talking to me about what had just happened and he told me that he was pretty shaken up. He was honestly upset and scared for me. I have never seen him like that, I am sure he wanted to just sit there and cry with me but he had to be the strong one, b/c I was losing the being strong battle. What an amazing man I have, I hope I never take him for granted!

At about 3:30 they took me to my pre-op room to get me ready for a 5:30 surgery. More fluids this time it burned both times she tried to start it so they had to put new tubes on my IV b/c the saline shouldn't have been burning. They got that all figured out and I told Casey to go grab something to eat and to call my mom. Deep down inside I really wanted her there, but I needed her to be with Briley. I tried to get some shut eye but the beds are not the best and there were so many noises that it just wasn't working so I ended up watching Seinfeld. Finally Casey got back it was nice to have someone to talk to. The time passed by really slowly but then they came to get me.

The guy who was going to knock me out (I don't know how to spell his correct title but you all know who I am talking about) came in and talked to me for a bit and then he was ready. He gave me some kind of injection that he said would make me a little loopy, it sure worked as they wheeled me into the OR I started seeing double. I remember seeing Dr. Goff and thinking wow, Kelly Ogle is here to do a story....oh crap I forgot to shave my legs, please don't let him see my legs. Yep that's all I remember till I woke up in recovery. I then asked the nurse if Dr. Goff took all my fat out. She laughed and said no, and that I wouldn't want Dr. Goff doing that. Maybe I need to be on drugs more often, I'm pretty darn funny:) There was another guy in recovery with me and he was snoring like nobodies business. I asked my nurse if had snored and she assured me that I didn't but another nurse also added that they weren't going to tell me the other things I was saying. To funny! I am sure they hear it all.

Back to my phase 2 room and my nurse asked me if I wanted a sprite, coke, Dr. pepper and of course I said "Margarita?" she just laughed and brought me a coke and 2 packages of saltine crackers. I scarfed those crackers down, those were the best crackers I had ever had. I was so hungry I hadn't eaten for pretty much 24 hours. I held those down and then I had to try to go pee. That burned like a mother, but at least I did it. I was so ready to go home and get Briley, just knowing that she was waiting for me helped me get through this whole thing. They wheeled me out to the car and Casey took me to Sonic to get a shake! What a glorious end to a horrific day, nothing like ending it with a chocolate Oreo shake with whip cream. To top it off when we picked up Briley she ran to Casey and looked at me and said "Yea, my mommas here!" Yes, baby your momma is here and I will never leave you....ever!

We tried to explain where I had been and she remembered that the baby was sick and went to live in the Bible in the clouds up in the sky. I wish I had the sincerity of a 2 year old!

In closing I am sitting at home today just thankful to be alive and to know that I have so many wonderful friends, family and things I want to do. The first thing I want to do is thank GOD that he is so gracious and marvelous to have opened my heart and my eyes. I can't wait for what lies ahead. Just knowing that when I go to Heaven there will be a beautiful prefect baby waiting for it's mommy to come home and hold it forever! I will then finally know what I was having and I will rejoice in it no matter what. For some reason ever since I heard that I had lost the baby, I wanted to name it but I didn't know what it was. The name Baby J has been in my head the whole time so that is what I will call it.

Baby J, I loved you the entire time I was a home for you, and your mommy, daddy and big sister Briley will never forget you and we can't wait to meet you one day!


Nicole Knox said...

Jessica we are praying for you.

megan k said...

Finding the laughter in your pain aren't you? You made me laugh and cry (thanks for that).

The other day I heard the author of "90 minutes in Heaven" say something profound. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry for your loss." when he ministers to people. He know says, "I'm sorry for your temporary seperation."

Like you said, Baby J is waiting on the lap of Jesus!

Thanks for sharing Jessica, you are touching a lot of people and opening their eyes as well.

Jessica said...

Thanks to everyone who has and is praying for us. I can REALLY feel it. I love every single one of you so much!