and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm

I just wanted to take this time to tell everyone THANKS! I have had so much support through this loss, that saying thanks is just not enough. I don't know how to repay all of you who have sent specific prayers to me and my family, other than paying it forward!

I realized at LifeChurch.TV today that I am not ok! I thought I was, but God has more grieving time for me to do. I can put on this happy go lucky face, and say what I need to say to make sure other people don't get sad for me, but deep down inside my heart is torn.

The song by Casting Crowns "Praise you in this Storm" has so much more meaning to me now. What doesn't? I look at everything differently now. The part where they sing "every tear I've cried You hold in your hand" means so much to me. He is always there, he's here right now as I type this with tears streaming down my face, I can feel his hand under my chin catching every single one of the tears. Please never let me lose sight of that. What an amazing God we have.

My hormones are going crazy, one minute I am happy the other I am yelling at Casey for no reason at all. I even went as far as saying to him the other day when he needed to leave to go get something, that I didn't care if he didn't come back....I didn't need him! Who is that? I don't like her, I can only say that it is satan beating me up. It's not Casey's fault that this happened to me/us and it's not mine either, so why do I have to be so mean.

Just so you know I apologized about 2 minutes after I said what I said, and I promised him I would never say that again. Poor guy, he physically didn't have to go through what I went through, but it was still his baby too. I caught him crying today at church and it broke my heart, but I couldn't do anything for him. If I would have reached over and hugged him, I so would have distracted everyone in the experience. I would have lost it more than I already had.

Casey, if you read this....I am so sorry for the loss that you have experienced too. I am sorry for biting your head off (I blame the hormones), I am sorry that I have not been the person that you can talk to about this. That will all change. I need you more and more everyday! We will get through this and we will also NEVER forget this time in our lives.

For everyone else, sorry to get so personal but after all this is my blog!